artsystrange (artsystrange) wrote in cheesecakefiles,

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So I can't seem to get into my paper right now so I'm just journal for a bit.
I'm feeling slightly guilty about not going mike and mikey's halloween party. Mainly because I actually really miss hanging out with those guys (Mainly Josh, Kevin and Mike). Don't get me wrong I had way more fun at Dave's party than I probably would have at Mike's party.
I just find I can't hang around mike, and sometimes kevin for too long. Mostly because everything is always all about them. And I guess I'm just tired of being around people who make everything about them. One time I was having big problems with mark, and mike called to try and get me to talk to him about it, so I'm like ok what the hell, we were good friends at one point maybe he'll see something that I'm not. But no, it just ended up being, me briefly talking about the problem, and than mike using that as an excuse to talk about his religious philosophies (mark and I's problems were around religion so that's not totally random) and how some how because he thinks the way he does about religion, if I just had mark talk to him that he'd be able to fix it. It became all about him.It wasn't about me in anyway even though I was the one who was having the problem. And seriously...why the fuck would mark listen to mike about religion? he wouldn't...

Even with Kevin, I feel like every time I try and talk to him about problems that I'm having, it somehow ends up being Kevin talking about his problems, or his life.
Everything always has to be about them. Everything in a conversation has to be about their point of view. In groups, they are the ones who constantly need to have attention on them. If you don't agree with what they say, well that you're just horrible and wrong. If you don't laugh at the jokes that they find funny, well than you just have no sense of humor. If you don't want to go to their party, well that's just a blasphemy and you're a traitor.
I hate constantly having to re-assure someone, that I enjoy their presence in my life. We can't just sit and have a conversation together, it has to be this stupid game where they say things and I have to reassure them that I think that what they say is cool. It's an entirely one sided conversation. Not too say that it's specifically me that has to be that person to reassure them, I'm sure it's that way with everyone in their lives. I'm just tired of being in friendships like that.
Plus Mikey doesn't seem to like me all that much. I feel like every time I around her there's this barrier. She seems angry, or like she needs to make a point about something. Maybe that's just her demeanor though.
So I'm glad I didn't go to the party. I just do genuinely miss them, so I'm feeling bad that I never get to see them (mainly my fault.) I miss their nerdy essence, and how excited they get about things (when it's not about trying to prove that they're right about it). How kind each of them are at their core when they aren't being arrogant.
How do you get past that stupid game without having to become the rival "I'm right" person? How do I hang out with them without wanting to strangle them for there self absorbedness? Maybe it's just that Mark is like that alot of the time (but in a different way) that I've become less tolerant of it. Or maybe I've just grown up a little and have decided I just don't want to deal with that anymore.
so yeah..that's my ponderment of the night.
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